I Hate Squirrels
by Elephantian
Summary: Roger has a weird phobia...he's afraid of squirrels. But what did these fuzzy little rodents ever do to him? [oneshot] [for challenge 34]


**This is for Challenge 34 at Challenge Central.**

**CHALLENGE 34: Must be about Mark and/or Roger. The whole point of this challenge is for one of the boho boys to have a phobia, any phobia you wish, with any results you wish. DOUBLE POINTS for creativity, but don't be discouraged from doing something conventional.**

**I got the idea because Roger's 'flashback' happened to me the other day, and now I'm scarred for life. Enjoy!**

"Wow."

That was all Roger, Mimi, and Mark could saw as they entered the extravagant toy store in uptown New York. It was cold, March day, and the boho boys and girl had decided to escape the cold and have a little fun by browsing the toys.

After admiring the rows and rows of toys, Roger nearly yelled, "I'm gonna look at the action figures!"

With that, he dashed off towards one end of the store, Mimi on his heels saying, "I'm gonna see the Barbie dolls and dress up clothes!"

Mark sighed and went over to the stuffed animal corner.

There were tons of stuffed animals there. There were elephants and bears and tigers and monkeys. There were cows and horses and deer and mice.

"Aw, this is pretty cute." Mark mused, picking up a squirrel and heading over to where he could hear Roger and Mimi.

"Find anything cool, Mark?" Roger asked, surveying a G.I. Joe doll and showing it to Mimi, who seemed uninterested as she browsed through the various, fake, tiaras.

"Actually, yeah. Isn't it cute?"

Mark displayed the squirrel and Roger's face turned ghostly pale.

"AH, GET IT AWAY!" Roger screamed, his eyes wide with fright.

"Roger?" Mark asked, approaching his friend with the toy still in hand.

"GET IT AWAY!" Roger yelled again, tears streaming down his cheeks as he trembled furiously.

"Here," Mimi said, snatching the squirrel from Mark's hand and throwing it over the shelf into the next aisle, "That wasn't too hard."

"Is…is…is it gone?" Roger asked meekly, rubbing the tears away.

"Yes sweetie, the icky animal is all gone," Mimi said, humoring her boyfriend and stroking his back tenderly, "It's not going to hurt you."

Roger sniffed and laid his head on Mimi's shoulder. "Thanks Mimi," he whispered.

"What was _that_ all about?" Mark asked after a few moments of silence.

Roger looked up at him with glossy eyes. "I never told you?"

Mark shook his head. "Not that I recall."

"I'm afraid of squirrels."

Both Mark and Mimi tried to contain their laughter.

"It's not funny!" Roger insisted, "Not if you knew what happened!"

"Well then tell us," Mimi said.

"Alright," Roger said, "But I warned you."

* * *

Roger sat by the window, plucking away at his guitar. High school was a drag and he needed a break. Setting down the prized possession, Roger glanced at the clock. His little sister, Kelly, would be home soon from middle school. As if on cue, the doorbell began to ring furiously.

Roger rolled his eyes and went to answer the door. Standing there was Kelly.

"Brat," Roger mumbled, simply ignoring his sister and opening the garage instead of unlocking the door.

"I could have done that myself," she said, "But Aussie has a squirrel head in his mouth."

"What?" Roger exclaimed, quickly putting on his shoes, "Let me see!"

Sure enough, when Roger got outside, their big, black dog had a squirrel in his mouth. But not just any squirrel…

"I think I'm going to be sick," Roger mumbled, clutching his stomach at the sight of the top half a squirrel dangling from his dog's mouth, the hind legs and tail roughly ripped off and the remaining part a sickening red. It's beady, black eyes were still open.

Aussie noticed his master and wagged his tail, running to meet him.

"Quick! Get inside!" Roger yelled, pulling his sister in the house and slamming the door shut.

"You better call Mom," Kelly said before dumping her backpack on the floor and running up to her room.

Roger nodded and picked up the phone. He dialed the number and waited patiently.

"Hello?" a very familiar voice said.

"Hey, Mom, it's Roger."

"Hi Roger, what's wrong?" Mrs. Davis asked, fearing the worse.

"Aussie caught a squirrel, and he's carrying it around."

"Is it dead?"

"Yes."

"Roger, you have to get that squirrel away from him. He could get sick. I'll call the vet."

Roger moaned. "How the heck am I supposed to do that?"

"Offer him a treat and get him to drink something. I owe you big, honey."

With that, the line went dead and Roger knew he had a big problem on his hands.

Taking one of Aussie's favorite treats and a plastic cup of water, Roger carefully made his way outside and immediately spotted Aussie. He didn't have the squirrel in his mouth.

"Good," Roger mumbled to himself before yelling, "Here, Aussie! Come here boy!"

The dog wagged his tail before picking something up off the ground and making his way to Roger.

The boy felt his stomach lurch when he saw the dead squirrel hanging from the dog's mouth. He quickly dashed inside and closed the door before gagging at the revolting half-squirrel his dog was now proudly carrying around like a security blanket.

Roger tried a few more times with the same result before giving up. It was hopeless.

Suddenly, his grandmother entered the house, having arrived to take Kelly to soccer practice.

"Don't let the dog in!" Roger yelled frantically, "Don't let him in!"

His grandmother looked at him oddly. "Why not?"

"Because Aussie caught a squirrel and is carrying it around."

"Well, he didn't have a squirrel when I pulled up."

"Really?"

"Yes."

Mustering up courage, Roger opened the door and called, "Aussie!"

The dog came running up…without the squirrel.

Roger let him in and quickly fed him the treat, being mindful not to the let the dog touch him. He offered Aussie a drink of water and made sure he took some before going out with a shovel to fork the corpse into the empty field beyond the fence.

Roger quickly found it. The ripped-off end was jagged and pinkish-red from the blood. It's fur was matted and fly-ridden. It's eyes stared at him.

Shuddering, Roger picked the thing up in the shovel and hurled it over the fence. He made his way inside, glad that whole ordeal was over.

* * *

"That's pretty gross," Mimi said, wrinkling her nose, "But I still don't get why you're afraid of squirrels. 

"I guess you just had to see it," Roger said, "And I guess it may also be because I thought the stupid thing would come to life and attack me. I had nightmares about it for weeks."

Mark and Mimi laughed and Roger glared at them.

"It wasn't funny!" he insisted.

"Of course not, sweetie," Mimi said, "Come on, let's go before the evil squirrel rips your eyes out."

She and Roger began walking out the door.

"You coming Mark?" Roger asked.

"In a minute," Mark answered.

After making sure the two had left the store, Mark picked the squirrel up off the floor in the next aisle and made his way to the check out desk. Tomorrow was April Fool's Day, and Roger was in for a hell of a surprise.


End file.
